” alt=”Via Oyster.com” width=”450″ />

The one above, for a Dominican Republic hotel, makes for a pretty great side-by-side comparison. Enjoy the blissfully solitary view above with the reality down below. (Check it out after the jump.)

Via Oyster.com

I know from experience within the travel-writing world that a “city view” equals an alleyway. And yet I still find myself wanting to believe the beautiful myth, as with this hotel better qualified as a motel (and the fact that the lobby was the best part). I could recommend more of their photo fakeouts, but really, just go explore their full list. There are some total gems in there.

I also have to say that it’s super savvy of Oyster to position themselves as truth-tellers in the age when anyone with a mobile phone camera can tell you more about your hotel than most travel guidebooks.

My suspicion is that people have way too much Internet-and-cable-teevee time on their hands if they’re getting seriously upset about this stuff. This Forbes writer–who, based on his profile pictures, seems way creepier than the guys in the SNL video–refers to “YouTube videos of children being terrorized by TSA screeners.”

OK, cowboy, settle down. What I saw was a kiddo having a tantrum, just exactly like every child under four on my flight on Saturday–in the security line, once the plane was in the air, in the line for the bathroom, in their seats, kicking the seats in front of them. Toddlers (mental or otherwise) should probably not decide our airport security policy one way or the other.

Prediction: “National Opt-Out Day” will amount to a storm in a Twitter teapot, but not much in real life. Seriously, middle-aged straight men of America: Your berries are just not that interesting, much less photogenic. Can you please stop holding up the security line so that I can I get to my gate already?

The State Department issued a travel alert this week, warning Americans to be “vigilant as they travel in Europe.” Here’s the video wrap-up, in case this is news to you:

Here’s my crass question: What exactly am I supposed to do about it?

My own little run-in with a terrorist attack, after the jump. (Yes, really.)

These reports always say things like: Alert the authorities. Um, OK.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that ordinary people really do have the ability to thwart terrorist attacks, but logically, to me, that seems to be based on the idea that something’s out of place. When you travel, everything is out of place because it’s entirely new to you. So what I am looking for exactly?

In 2007, I happened to have a flight out of Glasgow, Scotland, scheduled for the same day someone decided to drive a flaming car into the airport. Here’s what that looked like: Drive through endless traffic circles, slowed down by police every four feet, following directions. These reports should give travelers useful advice: In case of attack, stay calm and for pete’s sake, follow directions.

In my case, I wound up leaving my rental car at the airport, wheeling my luggage in the rain for miles, and taking a cab back to Glasgow proper. In the morning, I hopped a train that took me to Amsterdam–yes, with 14 hours on your hands, it’s entirely possible to ride the train from Scotland to the Netherlands.

Those issuances from the State Department–like the color-coded terror alert system before them–are just puzzling to me, and I wonder if they do more harm than good. What you want is this in the face of any emergency. If everyone’s primed to freak out, what I suspect you get is this.

Fellow travelers, what do you do when you encounter a travel warning? Change your behavior? Change where you travel to?

Maureen Dowd recently published an entire lengthy article of cultural cliches about Saudi Arabia, which is not surprising. What is almost shocking is that she got caught being reductionist to the point of incorrectly representing the country she was profiling:

“Maureen Dowd’s piece is funny–at times, hilarious–but instead of taking a Burquini with her, a guide to the Arabic language would have helped a great deal. She writes, “It’s funny to see how many people have named their camels ‘Barack.’ Saudis never give human names to animals–it’s not part of the culture. But every camel driver will at some point scream at a camel and say, “Barak!” That is the command for “Kneel!” or “Sit!” I wonder if some of the other nuances of Saudi Arabian society were lost on Dowd.”

–Ebrahim Moosa, Department of Religion, Duke University

Busted!

More–including a fun and funny use of cultural cliches–after the jump.

Can I also mention that almost every photo accompanying the article, true to Boomer-self-promotion form, is of Maureen herself? Yuck. But I digress.

The reason this kerfuffle is interesting to me is that it probably didn’t even occur to her to confirm that they were saying Obama’s name. Observations without real verification equals gross cultural cliches for sale, cheap.

The whole they-name-their-camels-either-after-our-president-or-the-command-to-sit incident reminds me of this ad I saw recently. The ad makers hooked me with their use of snow monkeys, but the real cleverness is in parodying a sea of cultural cliches about the most manly world travel ever–Hemingway by way of Che:

“People hang on his every word–even the prepositions.” “His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.”

You can watch all the Most Interesting Man in the World clips in this montage. And if you really get into it, Slate has a good analysis of the ad campaign, too.

Cultural cliches can be fun–as long as no one actually takes them seriously. That means you, Graydon Carter. Rein that stuff in, buddy. As a camel driver would do.

Imagine working at New York’s tourism office right after 9/11. Ouch.

We’ve discussed New Orleans’ smart ad campaign to combat the negative stereotypes surrounding the oil spill and Hurricane Katrina. It’s been five years since the levees broke, and the city has had a lot of attention to mark the anniversary, most notably GOOD magazine’s entire issue about the rebuilding of the city. Things seem to be looking up for the Big Easy.

The city now boasts more than 300 new restaurants, hotels have undergone $400 million in improvements, and there are new cultural attractions such as The Audubon Insectarium and The Southern Food and Beverage Museum. And tourism jobs are up to 70,000, slightly below a pre-Katrina high of 85,000.

What do tourist bureaus, do, however, when a massively popular television series takes the entire town’s system to task? For five years?

I’m talking, of course, about the HBO series The Wire, and the city of Baltimore. I’m one of those arrived-late-in-the-game-viewers of the critically-acclaimed series, and I am seriously addicted to this show. Each season looks at a different aspect of what has contributed to the city’s overall drug, unemployment, homeless and violence issues, via the streets, political and school system, and the media. It paints a completely bleak and harrowing look at the town.

How on earth do the people at Baltimore’s visitors bureau fight the perception brought on by The Wire? I have to believe that series caused a problem for their tourist industry. This is a great piece about how the show fuels this perception:

You could argue that The Wire gives a distorted image of Baltimore. The story rarely takes us to the safe, affluent areas of the city, and they do exist – the Inner Harbor, for example. Home to a public aquarium, a science centre and a “festival marketplace” (a complex of shops and restaurants), the Inner Harbor is superficially a pleasant place to visit, and attracts thousands of tourists. But if The Wire has taught us anything, it is not to trust appearances. The area was redeveloped in the 1970s and 80s under the auspices of mayor William Donald Schaefer, through a public-private partnership. As well as the aquarium, some hotels and a convention centre were constructed with a view to attracting tourist and “hospitality” dollars to the city. But an even larger convention centre was subsequently needed to make the plan work. Then, it emerged, an even larger hotel was needed to make that work. The result was a phenomenon Harvey calls “feeding the downtown monster”.

I laughed hysterically when I saw the city’s latest campaign: Find Your Happy Place in Baltimore. They’re using social media, and made their website all friendly and whatnot. But after watching that show, and visiting a few times myself, it feels like a serious stretch.

I wonder if New Orleans is at all concerned about David Simon’s (the creator of The Wire) new series, Treme. Named after an area in New Orleans, and set three months after the Katrina disaster, the show explores how citizens of the city rebuild their lives. I’ve heard it isn’t as gritty as The Wire, but it’s only begun. Simon’s genius is how he shows a city’s dysfunction on every level.

I’m not convinced even the savviest of PR tourist campaigns can salvage a town’s image once Simon rides into town.

Your Reader Tips section is the worst. It’s a mix of un-eco buy-this-at-a-dollar-store-in-Hawaii advice, mixed with Reader’s Digest style inanity. In short, it’s Boomers Gone Wild, and they are inordinately preoccupied with pickpockets, plastic bags, and preventing moisture damage. Please stop encouraging them. To wit, some examples from this month’s issue. Each of these are from individual writers, but I don’t want to list their names–I’m too embarrassed for them.

“Talcum powder…full-size bottles are too bulky to fit in my suitcase. Instead, I fill up an herb jar.”

May I recommend an incredible new invention called the travel-sized item?

“Luggage tags with zippers are great for carrying credit cards and cash. Just fasten one to your belt loop, tuck it under your waist band and inside your pants.”

Let’s just set aside the horror of the French shopkeeper as you reach into your sweaty waistband to pull out your cash. Instead, I’m going to think about the Thai waitress who assumes that all Americans don’t understand what a luggage tag is. Please stop.

“I like to collect silica gel packs…[and] when I travel to humid locations, tuck them into Ziplock bags with my camera…no moisture problems yet!”

Have you considered not locking your camera into a plastic bag in the first place?

“I always bring a Polaroid PoGo instant mobile printer…whenever I give someone my business card, I print a picture of myself on adhesive Zink photo paper and attach it to the back of my card.”

“Hold on a minute, please. I’m just going to take this picture of myself, pull out my travel printer, and affix this to the card.” Awkward 10 minutes follow, when the card recipient wishes she had stayed in her hotel room. Also, they make cards now you can get at home with your photo already on them. Some items shouldn’t be travel-sized–like printers.

“Before I go traveling with my laptop, I download product manuals….Not only can I leave the bulky instruction books at home, but I never have to leaf through reams of paper.”

Two things. You read product manuals? And take them with you on trips? Really?

Budget Travel, these posts diminish your brand. They make me think you don’t understand modern travel, and are instead are most interested serving the same group of people scared to leave their house for the pickpocketing wilds of Paris.

One small other tidbit: The piece this month on the Oregon Coast was just lazy. The writer stopped in a crab shack, and then he popped in a couple shops in Manzanita and Cannon Beach.

From the way it was written, it seems as thought he never made it past the lot at Oswald West State Park (“when I arrived, surfers were wrapping up a midday session tugging off hoods and wetsuits”–no description of the trails, protected cove, or tidal pools that you’d see from the beach itself). Oswald West has gotten crowded anyway, so I guess that’s a good thing. But a write-up of the Oregon Coast should include details about hikes, places to stay, and the beaches themselves, not just ruminations of how it’s changed since the author was there last.

I’m worried about you, Budget Travel. In an era where guidebooks are becoming ever-less relevant compared to social media, a print magazine needs to be fantastic, inventive, and innovative. It needs to have advice and tips that apply to us, the modern travel set, not to the crazy people who carry everything in their bag in a ziplock, and not to the lazy, indulgent writers who want to ruminate about their own childhoods instead of offering advice.

Please get better soon. We really are fond of you, and want you to survive the Great Recession.

Report: 10 Million Killed Annually By Stepping Out Of Comfort Zones

WASHINGTON—A new report published this week by the Department of Health and Human Services revealed that more than 10 million Americans are violently killed each year while attempting to break away from their regular everyday routines and try something new. “We found that getting out of your comfort zone and facing your fears resulted in premature death nearly 78 percent of the time,” HHS researcher Madeline Hersh said. “People always ask themselves, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Well, according to our research, anything from being bitten by a poisonous snake to dying in a hot-air balloon crash can happen.” The report found that the safest individuals were those who surrendered to the soul-crushing monotony of habit and then convinced themselves that they had things pretty good.

This report is also dedicated to the two student-age dudes I saw on my last flight to Europe with their iPhones tucked into their neck pouches, causing their shirt to both bulge out awkwardly and poke them. For 10 hours. Europe is a scary place!  Good all those travel professionals gave them such sage advice.

Via the Guardian

But a fashion journalist should know better. Which is why “What to Pack: Fashion and Gadgets for Backpackers” from the otherwise savvy Guardian earned a big fat fail.

Let’s start with the smaller violations, and work our way up to the big one.

Fugly boots are not fashionable, no matter who wore them for an Amazon trek.

Admittedly, I’ve never seen a stylish backpack, but even so, I’m pretty sure this is just run-of-the-mill.

How about an impractical, be-tasseled scarf, sure to add some extra weight to your pack?

But it’s this item–both impractical and hideous–that just kind of makes me angry. In general, I’m not a fan of the onesie for women. Add to that the idea of stripping off my top in the woods to pee in order to bunch up an eyesore of a floral jumpsuit in one hand. Fail.

If I was a Photoshop whiz, I’d create an artists rendition of this fashionable backpacker, rocking her onesie, scarf, boots, and backpack on the trail. But it might cause seizures upon viewing.

“There’s nothing that represents the ongoing degradation of the very soulful soul of New York than the invasion of cookie-cutter-branded theme eateries. ESPN Zone! Hawaiian Tropic Zone! Planet Hollywood! The Goddamned Olive Garden! …

[But] if you want to see a theme restaurant that’s really flourishing, visit Keith McNally’s jam-packed new pizzeria, Pulino’s, on the formerly gritty Bowery. Like all of McNally’s super-successful restaurants—from Pastis to Balthazar to Schiller’s to Morandi—it offers a cozy, charming, carefully curated experience-in-a-box. Now, that experience is undeniably more sophisticated and deft than, say, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. But it’s also undeniably the result of a meticulous formula, one built as much on replicating a particular fantasy experience as is any Rainforest Cafe. The experience here, though, is a “darling, tucked-away bistro you happily discovered”—except that now you can pretty much stumble over one on every other block…

No, these eateries don’t feature giant TV screens, Arnold Schwarzenegger movie memorabilia, grossly inedible food, or animatronic singing animals. We’re much too refined for that. Instead, the theme in these theme restaurants is My, What Good Taste You Have.”

Good lord, that summary just could not be more awesome.

It’s a reminder to me for the next time I want to wax rhapsodic about a precious–and of course, completely unique!–little travel experience I had, that we’re all on the slippery slope that leads to the “authentic Italian” 16-cheese special dish at the Olive Garden.

Cynics Who Liked This Also Liked: “Hidden Tuscany,” a.k.a. Tuscany Is the ‘Twilight’ of Travel Destinations

In San Gimignano, I swooned over wine-flavored gelato. At a tiny postcard shop, I watched an old man pack up my five cheap black-and-white postcards with an old-world carefulness that I’ll always remember.

In Florence, I posed in the sun with the Arno behind me, and stared into the eyes of Venus at the Uffizi.

When I got home, people asked me how my trip was. Great, I said.

Then I noticed something. A certain personality type, that when I said I had just come back to Italy, swooned audibly and then broke into a 20-minute monologue about the most amazing meal she had had when she was there. Or the incredible wine I just had to try that she had discovered on her last trip. Or how next time, I have to go to Lucca because all of the tourists go to Siena, and it’s important to experience the real Italy.

I realized that the issue with visiting Italy isn’t with the country itself–it’s with the fans.

They seem to be predominantly women, although there are men, as well. They seem to be disproportionately Boomer in age. They like the advice of the travel gurus we wish would go away. They advise us to pack scarves to go with our “travel outfits,” in order to jazz them up in new ways.

They are, in short, the equivalent of the Twilight fan.

I like the Twilight books. I even like the movies, especially the first one, where I could see Catherine Hardwicke’s Austin-indy sensibility shine through. (I agreed with New York magazine’s summary of why the movie was better than the overwrought books.) I think they’re a fun diversion, along the lines of the Harry Potter books and movies.

But oh. My god. The fans.

Lord knows, I don’t want to pick on a lady writer or her hordes of lady fans. Until Tom Cruise personally apologizes and gives me back about $50 for the craptastic movies he’s starred in, I don’t care to hear it from people complaining about how bad the acting is in the Twilight films. Don’t get me started about Stephen King and his rants about how the Twilight books aren’t great literature. Please. No one is about to be confused for either Hitchcock or Shakespeare here, Mr. King included.

But, the fans are not helping. Two words: Twilight. Tattoos.

The problem is when people take this stuff too far. Twilight is a silly, fun teen book with sparkly, eunuchy vampires. Tuscany is a place with great light, great history, and great art. It does not translate well to a “curio cabinet.” Or authentic Tuscan wine decanter that comes from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Or any manner of poster art.

Don’t get me wrong. I have my own obsessions, too. I just hope they never translate to a tattoo, or an order from the SkyMall catalog.

That said, I’d like to make my way back to Tuscany sometime soon. I’ll enjoy the gelato in Siena, realize how unbelievably unoriginal I am, and promise to never, ever lecture someone about how they just must make it to Lucca instead.